these few days have been chaotic, police were called, dv allegations, legal actions, my mom running away, things from the past resurfacing. i'm scared as shit as much as i dont want to be im scared of my mom. Its annoying having to deal with this, seeing my dad cry infront of me, not having anybody to cry to. not much to write other than my life is shit

days been whatever tbh i woke up at 11, made banana bread, then called my friend for like 5 hours and 38 mins. schools starting soon and tbh i kinda want school bc i live off a schedule, but at the same time i dont wanna have to say 'just make it to friday" every single day. And tbh its not even make it till friday its make it till college bc on saturday i have no time to just relax then on sunday i have to catch up on school work and go to church where everybody just shit talks about how im not christian then shit on be about being rich. I dont get why they're so jealous of me like its not even like "oh haters will hate" these 45 year old women have been on my back for the past like 10 years, im 14. Like do you want me to pity you or something?? all they do is ask me "oh why dpo you do horse back riding.... thats a rich people sport! You guys are on vacation?? RICH!! You got a new phone becayse your old one litterally exploded????!!! RICH UGHH!! And its not even like im bragging about anytnhing. I dont even talk to them and they complain about me being rich, also my family BUYS them things. We're being good towards you and this is how you act?? Hello?? whatever its not like its a big issue either. I've been so lethargic recently, Its hard to do anything anymore. I just wanna love somebody, okay dont hate me for this but I miss being manipulated and used. I feel like i have no purpose without somebody controlling me. I like feeling like i have to walk on eggshells, it's enternainting or like fuck idk stimulating for me to have to constiently be on my toes. I guess this is a result from me having to do that since i was young. Not until very recently was I able to not cry every night lmao. If you look at my old blogs all of my entries were about how i wanted to drink, cut myslef, or how distressed i was. And how much my ex boyfriend made me cry. Honestly it was really surprising how much he did, I think the longest i went without crying was like uhh 2 or 3 days. I was genuienly losing my mind. Im bad with cutting people off so I just stayed, and I know people will ask "oh just leave!! wtf??" its hard for me to do that, my parents were never around and the times they were they were either yelling at me, eachother, or just yelling. So for me to be able to experience a bit of sweet love is a big thing to me, It used to be so bad I would do anything to make my partners happy, in hope they would love me without hitting or yelling at me. I'm trying to work on myself though, its hard when its just yourself though/ I just wanna talk to somebody without people judging me, i just want somebody to understand me but I'm too complex and too annoying to understand without people giving up on me. Even my therapist said i was just being a brat. I'm not i just have alot of opinions. I'm really not worth it i guess, and ugh i dont wanna seem like im just crying for attention i really do feel like this. what am i even supposed to do anymore. Im fucking retarded and my parents think im useless. I need something or somebody to love to feel like im usefull, I need things to live for tbh.

siggh i have nothing 2 talk about, theres nothing much going on. arrgh i need a boyfriend, i need one so i can have stupid cute dates and i can love something, tbh ive been more passive lately. I really really realalllyy wanna get married and settle to the country side. but b4 that i wanna go raving. my liaf plan is that i have lots of fun in my 20s and by the time im like late 20s or early 30s i wanna have a kid. I wanna have my kid early bc i know how it is to have really old parents that dont do anything but work so i dont wanna have my kid me like that. i only want one, but ill have lots of pets so hopefully it wont get lonely (￣▽￣*)ゞ. but first i need a bf..,... badly..... AAAHHHHHHHHHH........or gf i dont care brrruhhhhhh pmo pmo... whatever ( ; ω ; ) if you're single...heh..hmu.. ( ´ ꒳ ` ) ♡. OHHH I JUST REMMEBER IM GOING SWIMMING ON SATURDAY!! am i gonna find the mason 67 huz??!!!

I came back from china, it was so cool!! I wanna go back soo bad.. I'll make entry on it later bc im lazy but i got a perm 2 day which was pretty fun. Took like ~4 hours? fuck it was so hot like my scalp was burning, genuienly felt like heaven when she rinsed my hair... still kinda hurts if i touch my scalp but its fine. Looks really good, now i dont gotta do a blow out every day!!!!! sigh i have honors testing in like 2 weeks i gotta lock in. bai///..

Tonight Im gonna fly away to china.. it's like uhh i think 20 hour flight or something whatever... I get motion sickness so I really hope that I dont throw up everywhere. I'm also hoping the food is good, because when Im nauseous I cant eat foods I dont like or I will throw up everywhere. Ive litterally done nothing today..lowkey im kinda hungry but anyways Im excited. I dont really wanna use wechat and idk how im gonna talk to my friends but whatever!!