do i have to tell every person i date the reason why its hard to reach me is because the last time i really opened up to somebody they did irreparable damage to me (and my body)?? Like i cant even type out what happened to me i cant even say the words out loud without wanting to vomit. But really theres no explanation to why i run away when people get to close. It's because im scared ill fall too hard and end up hurt like that again. I dont want to feel like i need to shower 5 times a day to feel clean. Am i too far gone am i too disgusting to be with somebody? I want to love I want to experience true love but it feels like everytime i do i get so hurt i just cant help but end things off and shut myself off from everybody. Whatever i just want him i want him to talk to me i want want want want want i just want more and more i never look at what i already have but thats because I had nothing growing up so material needs dont bother me but i want connections i want attention i want love i want to feel loved i want to hug somebody without feeling digusting i want to be able to let my partner touch me without feeling like i need to throw up I want to be able to be held without the fear of anything happening to me. i want him to hold me i want anybody to hold me i want to feel normal whatever this is just pissing me off i literally hate everybody rn all you people can just die (i mean the people i know) if you think this is directed towards you then it probably is i want to stay clean but guess what some fucking faggot told me to drink last night and i was so sad so i was like fuck it whatever ill do it now ive only been sober for like less than 24 hours i hate this im so stupid for ever ever ever talking to him

Im so sad sadsdasdasdasdasd IM SOOO SADDD!!! baisically i sit across the room from him and we'd play eye tag all class everysingle day for like 2 months. I would look up and he was staring at me, he would quickly look away then look back and we'd giggle or smile and look away. I'd look at him, he'd look at me and i would look away. Ahhhh and during homecoming he would look at me the entire time, am i reading into this too much?? Am i taking everything to heart??! And okay whatever my friends all say I'm too good for him but i want him. I don't even know him but ahhh whatever ill find a way to talk to him. Back to the main topic, my friend was calling him wait ill just say what the said (each / is the ending of a text and a beginning of a new one) "so basically / I was talking to your beloved today / but while we were on call he was like "blah blah [the name of a girl he was talking to from my old scholl (?!!!??)]" / And I asked him if he still likes her / And he said it varies based on the day / Which is basically a kind of / And I think if you started talking to him he would drop her / But like you want a meaningful relationship and whatever so I think you should wait until he's done / I'm very sorry this is not good news / But it's okay I have faith it will happen eventually" so im just insane and crazy for liking him. Whatever I guess ill try and get over him vecause its not like hes interested in me (?) BUT LIKE ugh im reading into the eye tag part too much. Eye contact is really important to me like I could just sit in silence and stare into your eyes all day and that would fufill me. So anyways why are you playing eye tag wit me when you're talking to someone else!! yes im over reacting ive realized that but whatever.. I'm so sad because this is so one sided and i know for the better of my mental health I should get over it but its so hard for me. Like if i go insane it'll actually reach limerence and at that point you know its over for me. I need to get over him asap but its so hard when all i can think about is joseph gordon levitt and how he looks like him. My crushes name is tristan so we'll just use that for now. Sometimes I wish i could have the courage to talk to him but unfortunantly its not easy for me to talk to people in person (if i dont know them) and its not much easier online ahhhahhhahsfafhsrjgrg like i want to go to school just to see him for a few seconds. I want him so badly i think i just want somebody to date to love and i want it to be HIM!!! I dont even want to make out or whatever i just want to lay down in my (or his) bed and talk about stupid shit. I dont need fancy house money luxry cars whatever the fuck i just want to live with him and talk and go out for lunch go to the movies maybe go to some little store down town then go home to sleep. whatever im just inlove with my idea of him this isnt good

Tbh im starting to move away from being online so much, which i think has made me physically and mentally better. Ive actually changed alot, I take care of myself better, I genuienly enjoy seeing my reflection, I dont feel disgusting everytime i see myself. If you've read any of my old blogs this is insane improvement from where I was last year. Ive been clean from cutting myself, drinking, burning, and just generally hurting myself for more than half of a year. I havent starved myself in over a year, I havent tried to kill myself in over a year, I've moved on from my groomers, I'm learning how to cope better. Im happy, I actually enjoy going to school. I don't think "oh just make it till friday" i enjoy going to school. I like talking to people, although im shy and I still have panic attacks during school I think ive been better. Having panic attacks during school are so not fun because my symptoms are very much so visible. I shake a ton, i stop breathing, I sweat, I cant speak, throw up, and i look really pale apparently. I think the nurses there know me by name now because Im always there to calm down or take tylenol to make my head hurt less. Sorry for not updating alot I havent had alot of motivation for coding really. Uhm what else, I've been really into the perverts album by ethel cain. Ah, dont get me started. Its so sensual and aeeeuughh I cant even describe it. It feels like digging a hole in the wet warm ground on a summer night and sleeping in it. Like the texture of damp soil (that I love). I'm also just a fan of repetition. I wish I had somebody to talk about ethel cain to. I dont want to talk to my ex anymore (even though he might be the only person i've ever let come close to me and understands me) uhm I cant talk to twin about it because then I'll just sound autistic as fuck. I can't talk to my friends in school because they'll think im crazy. I really have nobody. its whatever though, I dont really mind. I miss my (soon to be) boyfriend. ahhh im gonna pass out from the thought!!! hes so so so so cute and i love his voice so much maybe im just weird but im crushing HARDDD!! I get axnious and embarrassed easily so talking to new people (asking them out is worse) makes my heart rate go up and sometimes i get so light headed I almost pass out.. aghh Idk whatever i'll tell my friends to get him to text me...soon... maybe.. maybe not.. hes so Argh I cant express it!!!!!!! there isnt a day where I cant think about him, well i can go hours without thinking about him like I can be normal but when I'm not paying attention in class i either sleep or day dream about him. Honestly my day dreams arent mostly about him hes just kinda there in my mind. Usually its because I'm thinking about my friends who just so happen to be friends with him. My mind kinda jumps around so its hard to explain. anyways ahh my friend like this girl but idk if the girl likes her back or even is gay so I feel so bad. Apparently they do swim together and I might know the girl bc I used to do swim there... where my friend and her crush swims. ANYWAYS!! ahhhahhhahhhhh okay ill go dream about him AAHHH I JUST SAW A VIEO OF HIM DOING KARATE I SLOWED STARTED BEING SEDUCTED BY HIM LIKE HE STARTIN TO SEDUCE ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I get so obsessed when i fall inlove ughh.. I cant stop thinking about him and i know its annoying hearing me talking about the same guy for the 5th time but whatever!! We're both so awkward im scared to talk to him lowk and i know everybody is like oh just talk to him. We have ONE!! class together, we dont talk, we play eye tag the entire class just for him to get up and leave first. FUCK TS!!! atleast im good friends with his friends. Like not even just using them to get close to him, im genuienly friends with his friends. Idk what they do but my friend (meera) has orchestra with him and idk what addy has.. I wish I could show you guys a photo of him but i cant so ill describe him. He's like 5'8 (176 cm) something like that maybe taller like 5'9 idk i dont walk with him so i dont have a good estimate. Hes 1/4th japanese #TAPPIN into that asian side. yes hes ginger yes he's pale yes he has acne oh im bout to bust thinking abt him. Also for reference im 5'0 (152 cm) so height doesnt matter to me unless you're like shorter than me and then it just feels weird cuz any guy thats shorter than me is either like in elementary or just looks like a child. Height doesnt matter but if ur above 6ft chances are im nnot gonna date you bc i cannot look at you while speaking to you 😭😭 like wtf am i doing with somebody thats a foot taller than me?? But anyways hes like skinny idk if he has muscles im guessing he does bc he does karate but i lowk dont even know what they do in karate so maybe not. He can do a pushup tho i saw him do it once and it was hot yes im that easy yes i have low standards. I really like guys that look like they know what theyre doing, like smart guys but dont even try to make it sound like you're better than me or ill just get up and go. I have an issue with getting annoyed at people who are better than me yes im projecting or whatever yes its an issue and i am tryna solve dat 😭 AHH IM LOOSSINNG MYYY MIND HES SOOOO FINNEEEE HE BETTER HIDE IM GONNA FIND HIM OGM i found out he has math first with my friends idk if its geomatry im pretty sure is geomatry honors, then 6/7th (67!!) period he has latin honors, 11th honors period he has english (with yours truely), 12th he has orchestra honors. Wait i think 3rd period he has honors bio, I have it right before him. Idk what he has 2nd but when i come from fashion design he comes around the left corner into a classroom that i think is history but idrk. But i usually dont see him bc I walk fast. Sometimes if i take longer i see him coming down the biology hallway. If im late to leave bio (2nd period) i see him behind me then he turns to his bio classroom (the one infront of mine) and i head to gym... ...what else. Oh one time i was late to study hall and saw him come down the hallway which is what 5th period? everytime i go down that hallway i hope hes walking down it but we get let out 2 minuets earlier than the bell bc of lunch so chances are low. If i make it out of history i can usually get behind him but i dont care that much usually i wait for my friends and see him scurry away..

so basically its like 3rd period right and then im walking with my old friend from 5th grade, she transfered uhm the end of 5th year. So we known eachother for a little bit. I was like wow i have huzzington, and she was like oh who./ I tried to play it off as mysterious and nonchalant but ultimatley gave in and she guessed in second try. Because SHE IS FRIENDS WITH HUZZ!!! my friend... is friends... with huzz. She was like wow this is so crazy i dont think a girl ever liked him. cuz apparently hes been rejected after every girl hes asked out. she was like hes so chopped and ur so fine why do you like him and lowkey i asked myself the same question but no becaise i like stoic cold looking men and he is nonchalant and tuff and i like that. Trust we will become friends and he will ask me out whatver im tried.. PMO!!! i want him bad

AHHHHH i lvoe him hes very cute very jolly... ok im too lazy to write a full blog this was just for testing purposes