Hii it's been a while since ive made a blog, yes I know i havent been updating much ive lost a tad bit of motivation. Schools been alright actually, GAHH I HAVE NEED HUZZZZAAAA ok now im scared about my 'ex' if you can even call him that. we "dated" for 2 days. I didnt really like him i just felt bad which yes its bad on my part throw tomatoes at me whatever. Hes a weird guy anyways. He hates gay people, which im bisexual idk if he knew that, hes right winged, and is just really really odd. Not tryna be a trad wife enough about him im bored. Okay so huzz is this tall ginger and BEFORE you say eww just know i have a thing for nerdy stoic looking guys so im bound to be into weirder people...okay.. gahh hes so cuteee i see him when im wallking to second, sometimes i see him if i get out of 2nd a bit late just because hes coming from the hallway behind me to the classroom infront of me. So if i stay a bit late i see him sometimes. now it's 3rd period which is just around the corner, then i see him again because we're going to the same hallway!!!!!!!!! he goes to the classroom infront of the turn i have to do so then i dont see him.. not until like 11th period i see him because hes in my class. sometimes i see him when i walk to 11th..hes tall, kinda skinny, really pale and ginger GAAAhhh hes soo cute. He stares at me alot during class and at first it was lowkey creepy but now im like wow im staring back.

so drained really, im so fucking tired like sigh whatever. Good days are coming but i cant just stop feeling like im watching everything from the sidelines, like good days will come yes but god when. I know its up to me to pick myself up but sometimes its just so draining to have to rely on yourself, but i cant rely on anybody else because i just cant. when i do start to need somebody i need somebody that knows me, inside and out, thinks like me, baisically i need another version of me to be able to rely on somebody else. Because whenver i do open up and become dependent its just like they let me down one way or the other and yes its because i have unrealistic standards but idk its all me. I cant do any of this anymore, and as much i want to tell myself that i need to stop being a whiny little bitch its like UGH i just want time to stop for me to hibernate. I need time to stop because i cant catch up anymore. and its not even like i want to be comforted, its like i just need smebody to stand in the room with me. I dont want to talk i dont want to hug (i hate physical touch actually) i dont want anything i just want something with me. I dont like the be alone but i hate having to interact with people. God i hate physical touch like i can touch other but when people want to touch me its like ahh ahhhh stop.... and i run away which is the reason why most time people i talk to force their way to touch me. Sounds REALLY odd but i mean like they force me to hug them or like aghh i dont wanna talk about it you get what i mean. im tired so im going to sleep. goodnight twins

lifes been wahtever really.. im kinda just floating around i would say im like a seaweed floating around but i absolutly loathe anything from the sea. and its not like im sad or wahtever its kinda just like im whatever.. Nothing really im kinda just sitting here waiting for the next thing to happen, then the next, then the next. Maybe sometime inbetween i have a task to do then im back to waiting on my own AHH I JUST SAW MY OLD BESTFRIEND COMMENT ON MY WEBSITE IM SOO HAPPY!! im also really tired, i swear im happy about this im just really tired rn.. Its been a long time since we've talked and like its whatever. I really dont even remember anything and why we grew apart but shes really nice so whatever. my room is such a mess and even though im waiting i just cant bring myself to clean or do anything. i want to do something but im just so tired and lethargic. but then i get bored, but im tired, but im rotting and wasting away. tbh this is what most days are like for me, i have things to do but i just cant do them. Even doomscrolling seems like a task and im just ugh. Wish everything was easier ugh i asked my friend to call like 20 mins ago and he was like after this round or sum and i dont wanna wait so im just gonna keep writing. ok i side tracked and now im tired so bai

okay i just want it to be known i practice witchcraft, i do tarot, and i believe in astrology. Idk why i wanted it to be known but hey whatever. Im not christian i think i just wanted him to like me whihc is SO stupid because we didnt even last a week. It was lowkey boring because we had nothing in common, didnt talk like at all, we'd have stupid convos, idk wahteverrrr ahhhh idk lets look at my horoscope yeah whatever that means i have no idea what its tryna tell me. fuck eclipse season is actually beating my ass whatever!! not much to say really nothings really happening and thank fucking god i dont think i can handle another surprise.

idk why i was tweaking i think i was just hungry anyways nothing much happened today ive been kinda chilling lowkey dunno waht to do wit my website so im kinda just bored hah,,

i cant be in a relationship and i also cant communicate for shit so whatever ill write my thoughts here. I do this everytime i fall inlove so dont take anything to heart, i hate the idea of love i hate being wanted im not fit for a relationship. I dont want one either, im just so out of it recently. only way i can describe my feelings is the perverts album from ethel cain. i want to push people away, i want to be alone. I sound so fucking edgy but shit im tweaking man i dont want any of this. I think i only like the idea of a relationship but i can never ever ever be in one. It's too painful for me, but more importantly the other person. Holy shit i know i sound like a master manipulator yes i shouldnt be talking to people like this, though not being in a relationship seems enjoyable for me. I genuienly dont know whats wrong with me because ive been in love with this guy for maybe a year and the second he shows it back to me im repulsed. Its not because of him, its me im just so weird. Whatever i guess. Ok next section is about eating disorders and like stuff you'd find under the lana tag in tumblr. im not encouraging any of this i actually hate that im like this. if you know me please ignore this i really dont want this mentioned any where. Please dont bring this up with me, i just want to be left alone. ANYWAYS back to what i was gonna say. I'm back into my eating disorder, its been like slowly making its way back into my life. I cant stop feeling disgusted by the thought of me eating, my friends eating, eating in general is so gross to me. I hate feeling full its a gross and disgusting thing. I hate feeling food in my mouth and the way it gets all disgusting. I hate texture and i hate chewing. I dont ever want to eat ever again. I just want to euagh i dont even know i feel like the end of housofpsychoticwomn now. I feel the need to peel my skin away, i want to rip my hair out i hate all of this i need to escape my skin. i can even eat low cal food anymore i just feel like chewing and mushed up food is jsut so so disgusting to me. Food in my mouth is horrible i want to vomit everything out. I dont like the idea of fat or food sitting in my stomach. i hate this so much. whatever im gonna go do something to distract myself, this entire week has been insane for me i just hate and i hate and i hate everythig and i just want to see blood spill out of my skin i cant calm down without pain i hate this so much i just want to carve out a hole in the wall and sleep in it.

section beneath was before but thats just a review of my products, not my real emotions haha!! I've been realllyyy tired, like i just wanna sleep all day.... im falling asleep as i write this... i miss him.... hm..... .... hmmmmmm idk i had gummy bears and that was nice. Im listening to cocteau twins right now actually whenevr i write my blog i imagine my younger self and im just talking as she listens. I used to be very passive as a kid. Like i still am now but i can say no now, i litterally could not speak up and thats #progress guys. I still have a difficulty expressing my feelings though so i kinda just sound really awkward with my partner haha..... idk its weird. Its been up and lows actually, i think its just the sunlights low and im getting depressed again. I really really really dont wanna fall back like i just started a relationship after my last being so horrible i cant afford to ruin everything again. immm misss worrllldd sommmee bodyy kill meee!!! kill me pills. I kinda miss not having to do anything but listen to my partner its draining but atleast its just like whatever. feeling drained and useless is enjoyable for me, because i just lie on the ground or something and i rot. I just wanna be used its the easiest way for me to feel love. I dont want to work on myself and its always easier just to revert back, and i know its not good but really i go back to my past ways every year anyways so really whats the difference. whatever anyways hmm I dont really like roses, i think theyre pretty but the scent really gives me headaches. I enjoy peonies alot, lilies, and tulips. I wouldn't hate roses i like to be gifted flowers but i really like peonies more.. hmm i dunno whatever its fine. i just wanna talk to someone haha!! And i am, im talking to twin but its okay. I've not been really happy these few days, like im happier but its like i dont know its just somethings wrong with me, like ive been getting panic attacks way more often during school and its not easy at all. And ive been really sensative to noises and like lights and feelings. Its been hell for me whatever its fine i need to sleep anyways. Recently ive discovered that, well recently as now ive discovered that #19 by aphex twin is really helpful when i feel my anxiety build up. I think its the repetitive sound that calms me down haha, that and people with a more deeper voice tends to calm me down. Doesnt have to be a guy but anybody witha relatively deeper calmer voices helps me to be able to breath in some degree. When i have my panic attacks i feel like im gonna faint or like my heart is about to explode and i cant breath. okay im gonna sleep now goodnight!!
sorry i was calling my boyfriend and got too lazy to finish this... anyawys im listening to onanist by ethel cain and omg i love this song soo much vocals are amazing... okay anyways back to my review of things. My skins kinda like weird i think i just wasnt drinking enough water. I have normal skin type but sometimes if i dont remember to put moisturizer on it gets really dry on my forehead. When its like that i just stop using my moisturizer to let me skin do its thing. ANYWAYS!! It does get oily tho anyways anyways starting off with cleansers I've used. Beauty of Joseon - Green Plum Refreshing Cleanser, it was good i mean my skin felt cleansed afterwards. Its good for sensitive skin which i forgot to mention i have very sensitive skin. when i add new products into my routine my skin like explodes and does NOT like it. But when i used it, it was alright. I never bought it again since i found one that felt better for me. It's very hydrating, which is good for people with oily skin. uhm next hmm im trying to remmeber but i cant so anyways, FANCL IS THE BEST OMG ive been using it for years, until i switched this year but its really good for any skin types, my mom has really dry and senstive skin and she swear by it (over 25 years shes been using this lmao). I used 3 cleansers from them the first ones really good, it makes my skin feel really clear but its like a cleanser you use only once a week so you have to follow up with a toner/moisturizer. The gel one was fine, not a favourite. Foaming cleansers are my life line, theyre the only type that makes me feel like im actually cleaning anything. I like that one alot!! Its a mild cleanser. Next La Prairie, its like the worst out of all of them. Way too gentle, like this might only work for a grandma. It litterally did nothing, i was gifted it so i was like sheit its expensive as fuck i need to use this but it made me break out. Fragrance added too, for $105?? This is my current one, i really like it, it makes my skin feel really clean and i can go days without using my toner or moisturizer and my skin will be fine. My skin has cleared up alot since ive started using it, like i deadass started to see results in a week. That and the rest of the stuff i use. Yeah thats all i remember, okay now toners. I've only used like 2 toners or maybe three actually
OKAY!! Toners... i have no clue what this was supposed to do, it feels litterally just like water. AHHH MY HOLY GRAIL i used this for like 3 years omg best buy of my life. I would litterally just cleanse my face, put it on and that was it. And my skin was awesome.... so so sooo amazing. Like i never had to use anything else it cleared my skin and made it feel so soft. I usually layer my toners, 2 layers and like its just amazing. Like id pop my pimples, put it on, and next morning it was fine. so apparently the toner i use isnt being sold in the us, anyways its the La roche posay effaclar lotion, its really good, not as good as numbuzin tho. Once i run out ill just go back to numbuzin. Next random stuff ive put on my skin. like serums or what not, i dont wanna find the images anymore so ive used like uhm hyaluronic acid, salicylic acid, niaciminide, right now i use La Roche-Posay - Effaclar Ultra Concentrated Serum. I have no clue what that is but hyluronic is hydrating, salicylic gets rid of acne, niaciminide is brightening and gets rid of like scars and stuff. I litterally have no clue waht the effaclar thing is but my skins clear and it got rid of alot of bumps so whatever! For moisturizer ive used fancl emulsion I and II, emulsion I is good for me, II is tooo much and i only use it if i have really dry patches on my skin. Its like really thick and takes a while to dry down. Now i use effaclar something, its lightweight and nice. ok im done im lazy

i really want tiramisu like ive been craving it real bad, hmmm and cake i really want cake and fruit tarts and cheese cake... Actually i dont really like cake, my parents always buy me cake for my birthday and it ends up with everybody else eating my cake because i dont like it. I just dislike the texture.. i prefer fruit tarts and cheese cake. And tiramisu...... I really wanna go to italy, actually hmm maybe not I wanna go to somewhere idk... i dont really know waht to say. Oh im really cold right now like fuh waht else.. I really want a cat a calico cat or like one with long hair. I want to brush its hair everyday... I really like brushing things idk i liked to brush my guinea pigs fur ahh i have school tommorow pmo whatever its not that bad its just kinda boring and then history is the worst class every atleast my teachers nice. Anyways i really want to go to a cafe and buy myself a sweet treat, but not too sweet because ill throw up. i also strongly dislike coffee, its too bitter for me. I do like starbucks and wawas vanilla iced coffee. Soooo good... i miss it... hmm idk. Ive been really tired recently, i almost fell asleep writing this. anyways my backs been really sore for some reason, idk i cant like stretch or else itll hurt really had maybe ill just lay down for a bit. im scrolling through pinterest rn sob anyways im gonna go take a shower and see if i have any new thoguhts okay hi!! i took a bath actually haha!! and i was thinking, i use alot of beauty products so ill list all the ones i remember and how useful they were for me. For reference i ok i'll finish this another day

I finished the lore+intro page of my shrine. I havent really been talking to anybody today. Hmmm hmmmm waht to say... ive been tryna help my friend get her huzz but BOTH of them are autistic and schizo so im like reading these text and its like me solving a calculus problem thinking about what she should say to huzz. i feel like ugh i dont even knooo i want a boyfriend bad AND i know its all ive been talking about but ive litterally only been lsitening to love songs so im like Hmmm I need Dat?!! wahtever im so bored tbh i think being interviewed would be fun if it wasn't like a cia agent putting in 5 different inplications into their sentance to see what kinda person I am///... hmm................................. im boooredd i need somebody to talk to like I havent felt awake in days and Im finally awake ok whatever bai ok hai im back, i was thinking that i really hate the fact that my memory is so bad. Like I forget what I'm doing as Im doing it, and I can't remember what I was doing until hours later. I forget I leave my candles on, i forget everything. Some days are worse than others, once I forgot how to spell my name for like 3 minuets. 3 minuets doesnt seem like a long time but 3 minuets to remember the spelling of the name ive been using since birth?? Holy shit im cooked. its awful because I can't remember some of my best friends, I just know they were important to me but i cant tell you anything we did. I want to be able to remember things, even if i write it down i lose it. If i forget something important about you dont take it to heart please, i can't even remember stuff i did 5 minuets ago. whaqtever ok what else is there to talk about only thing i can talk about is loveeeaaaugghh ive picking name for our children / you've been wondering how you're gonna feed them/ love is not enough for this world / but i still believe in nebraska dreamin' / cause id rather die ...... than be anything but your girl / i never meant to hurt you/ but somehow i knew i would/ will it be like this forever? / id reach into your body / and fix you if i could okay sorry i just wanted to type it out. I kinda wanna be christian again, but i genuienly cannot do that if im in this fuckass church dude like I cant do it. To be honest i dont even want to go to church i just want to worship at home. I feel like that would be better for me. Idk i have a weird relationship with all this kinda stuff. cuz holy shit that fucking church dude everytime i go into it i feel the resentment towards the people even more. I just think ive had a really bad relationship with god and the people around me. Because when i was a kid my parents would fucking read bible verses to back up their arguments, and at one point my mom started like tryna exorcize my dad. Not really great imo. Like my mom would say anybody who she didnt like was a demon and i jsut got tired of that. She tried to manipulate me into thinking that my sister was demonic because she didnt believe in god. Like jesus how is this supposed to strengthen my faith. Anyways whatever ill figure it out later my head hurts from thinking about all of this stuff. I really really hate fighting about the bible, fighting in general. Well its not even fighting i dont like talking to people and trying to prove my side. its so hard trying to get somebody to listen to you, when they have different views. Like in all honesty i dont think i can ever have a relationship because i just hate talking about my feelings and communicating in general. Its just not pleasent for me to do so because every fucking time i try to it always always fuck always ends up in me crying and giving up. Litterally the only reason why i cried so much last year was because my ex boyfriend never really understood what I was trying to say, and idk would just do what he thought i needed. Atleast thats what i remember. Like every time i tried to explain myself he just made me feel schizophrenic like it just felt like it was a "who can cry the most" challenge. cause every fucking time I started to cry he would cry and say shit like "wah i only wanted to do ___" like am I supposed to be your mother while im crying?? How am i supposed to fix your problems if i cant even figure out why im crying. Its just easier for me to cry it out and push it away. Cause litterally nobody makes the effort to actually understand me, idk im just not in a good mood today. Oh yeah and i wanna get sober, idk i feel like everytime i tell somebody im drinking they think i want to drink yeah i wanna drink but its because i litterally have no other coping mechanisms and i dont wanna sound edgy rn but holy shit i cant do it anymore. Being sober for more than 3 days is insane whatever. i want to be sober and i want to have kids i want to get married in a church i want i have my family, i want a husband i want cats i want a good relationship with god i want to be able to have faith i am so jealous of people that are faithful because I just cant fucking do it. I want to move far away from my parents I wanna cook i want to give my kids the life i wanted as a kid. I dont want to have to cry or argue or fight or anything anymore just god please let me live a normal life. yeah wahtever i just accepted the fact that im not living past 18 its just not happening as much as I want to if I want to live past 18 i need somebody to watch what i do i dont want to be in a psych ward but shit i dont know if im gonna be able to take care of myself its over bros yeah idk ill try not to drink today. In all honesty,its easy for me to get sober i just need somebody to get sober for but wahetevr

hmm I dont really know what to say, nothign really happened today. OH MY GOD CRUSH IS PLAYing fuck i LOVE crush its sucha good song ad I cant believe i saw it in person. OH yeah idk if i said that i went to a ethel cain concert!! It was really good haha but my feet were aching so badly from my heels i almost walked on the pavement bare foot... i wish I had a boyfriend that could carry me when i dont feel like walking. Hmm waht else... yeah i dont really know oh yeah my school cafeteria is so fucking cold like i feel like a berry in the costco walk in freezer. Me and my friends call it the berry room. And it feels like the berry room in there. I'm really bored im so bored i got nothing 2 do fuck my life its so fucking over....... hmm i wanna call somebody tho vlaa oh yeah i finished 2 pages of my ethel cain shrine FUCK i still cant write like i hate writing so much ay waht can i say. I just got off the phone with my friend, i just watched him play chess. I never really understood chess but i think its fun to watch. Honestly I like to watch more than actually doing the thing, i like to watch tennis and stuff but i loathe having to play it.im kinda tired but its only 8 pm so fml I will request one of my friends to call me tonight. Because its been a long time since ive actually called somebody late at night, and i like to do that. Also i want an army of dachshunds, theyre so cute....

augh love wahetevr I just need somebody to treat me right. Like my past relationships have been HELLLLL i swear I attract weird people all the time. fuck.... whatever Really nothings been going on ZERO people to stare at during class because all of them look ugly. So ive been day dreaming really...... sighhh ahhhhggg Not much really I've been thinking about when im gonna drive up to meet my friend whatever bruh. NOW i get to tell you about what ive been dreaming about. I was thinking about what I would wear, he lives up north so FUCK i need a good jacket. I'll prolly just wear whatever i usually wear but for my #WINTERARC i will be wearing scarfs everyday. I LOOVE SCARFS like theyre so comfy.. I really want that one burberry one thats pink and brown. I actually saw it in store, god I love burberry's cashmere. Same with Loro Piana, I only like Loro Piana for this quality of scarfs. Rest of it isn't for me. I think burberry is my favourite brand, I have alot of their coats and stuff. WHATEVER back to my day dream... I REA;;LY want a small house and a garden outside, wrap around porch, maybe a sun room, with flowering vines along the sides of the house. I wanna have a kid or none thats alright too, but id love to have a kid. Preferably a girl, ahhh dont even get me STARTED on that part of my fantasy. Anyways i want to get married in a church, white dress and all. I want to open my own like plant store, I just really like the idea of settling down and having a sweet calm life. I want to have cats or dogs, or even be a sahm but i think that would be boring for me. I want to cook for my partner, but not all the time just most of the time. I want to garden and have a shop near my home. Obviously i dont wanna be financially dependent on my partner but wahtever just...let me be......... I dont associate myself with tradwifes ok i just want that to be known yes I want a more traditional life no im not one of Those people pls. I just want a guy that I can take care of, and takes care of me and children. Like i want a guy that respects me as much as I will respect him, but I know if I want this kinda life style theres only a few guys out there like that. Fuhhhhhh...... I guess ill have to hit up my local mormon church LMAO whatever if you're like this fly to nj pls.. I wanna be a girl mom SO bad like brushing out her hair and playing with her AUUUUAHGHHHHH STOP gossiping with her when she gets older, laughing, letting her pull at my hair aahhhh whatever. Im not like opposed to being a boy mom, id just prefer a girl. If it was a boy though idk what id do, all i know is that my child is gonna be #Fashionable. yeah its either that or i marry rich and just sleep in my nyc mansion all day.
Adding on (later) i think that i prefer wtiwaly over preachers daughter, cause I relate to it more.expecially nettles where ethel describes her life when she and willoughby got married STOP i cant do this i wish I was like out of college so I can marry my #DREAMMAN wahetevr bruh fml I wish i had somebody to talk to about allat because it gets boring having to write this onto my website, especially when i talk about the specifics of what im doing, obviously i cant put that here. Whateevr!!
OK ANOTGER THING im just so bored and nobody to talk to. aughh nobodies talking to me fucking pmo I called my friend earlier and he was playing this interesting game then I called my other friend for a bit.. Hmmm hmm... waht else is there to say..... hmmm///... hmmm...... I'll probably jsut sleep but I wanna call somebody So i'll probably just drink and see where it takes me LMAOOO

OH YES IM IN TOUCH WITHT EH GUY I FUMBLED IN 2022 BEEN 3 YEARS BUT IM STILL NOTOVER HIM. its so funny because his name has been mentioned in EVERY one of my site layouts.its scary how i can never get over the guys i liked. ACTUALLY THATS A LIE. TOOK ME 3 YEARS AND IM OVER MY GROOMER FUCK UES!!!! ugh its not even that i wanna date him, okay thats a lie wait this is getting too long im going to my blog

okay i want to date him yeah but its been so long so i dont really know what kinda guy he is anymore. Though from what i (vividly) remember, he was always so sweet to me. WHICH IS WHAT I LOVE IN A MAN!!!! AHHH hes really smart too, sigghh!!! Looks dont mean much to me, but he is pretty cute. the thing is I dont think he likes me so im tryna keep my hopes down. Another thing is i dont know if its jsut that im excited to talk to him again, because I do (somewhat) like another guy which i dont know if its just I like talking to him or i actually like him. I SOUND LIKE A WHORE RN i swear im not making any moves until ive day dreamed about it for a year. i just like to daydream about my future family and who Im going to marry. and i know this sounds insane but I really want to be a sahm. Or atleast I would like to stay at home for most of my days. My dream life is that I live in the country side with my partner, kid (no more than 1-2 because id lose my shit), cats, and plants. Run my own floral shop and go on cute dates with my partner. I dont really care abt gender tbh, but anyways Id like to live in a small house too. Ofcourse im only 14 and ill probably change my mind but this is my dream life i come back to after i go out with friends. Id like to live a "traditional" life but like not like those alt right weirdos. I mean I would like to live a calm and small life. But i dont want to marry a mormon utah man so I dont know what guy out there actually dates to marry or likes this kinda quiet life anymore. wahetevr!!!

Me and my friend fought, I was in the wrong, I apologized but i doesnt make up for what I did. I really miss her, i regret everything but its whatever. I wished none of this happened, which is what everybody says after they do something that is so obviously stupid. I dont understand why I feel so sad, yeah I lost my best friend but I lowkey deserve it. I sound like a manipulator but i swear im just saying what I think. I broke her trust, but another part of me doesnt get why. All i did was tell other people that she was talking to somebody, not like some crazy thing like she fucked 10 guys or something. Its just a highschool crush its fine, but it still hurts I guess. I miss her so much, and i cannot believe that I couldn't be somebody she trusted. The situation: she told me she liked this guy, call him soccor kid, and since I was excited I told 3 of my (un)trustworthy friends. The thing is I have told them about my secrets before and they have NEVER told anybody else. So I was so annoyed to find out that 1 of my friends, told everybody. The thing is that friend has liked soccor kid before, and she got jealous or whatever but still thats such a weird fucking thing to do. Me and that friend call her apple, has both crushed on the same guy. (MY SLOVAKIAN HUZZ.) But she never ever said it to anybody, or got jealous???? And from what I know apple doesnt like hate my best friend. yes this is a big deal to me, is it stupid? Also yes. Its just another small drama but still Im so so so so so sad that I lost my best friend. What pisses me off the most is that apple told litterally everybody, even after I told her like 10 times not to tell anybody. And i know i cant prevent people from doing things its just ugh whatevver.

soooo tiiireedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd going shopping tmmr i cant even remember what day it is lmfaao ive been fucking geeked up everynight FMCL bruh i fuckin g hate ts ts rs ts sunsghine fmcl fmcl fmcl I am Not Chopped Shit I am Not Chopped I am Fine Shyt. I love myself. I am Fine Shyt. its fucking overs guys no i am a hot drug dealer with a bunch of hoes in la and nyc and i am plus aura 67 chungus. I radiate Mystical Energy. FUCKKK whatever im tweaking OUT what 1 day without red 40 does to a mf i am #whimsy #cutecor #asian! #autisticAsFuck what do i even write about anymore like fuck ts ts ts ts ts im soooo retarrrddeddd wheneber i wallk i feel my brain sludge swoosh around

fuck whenver i have a sad blog post im porbably not sobe rlmfao because i drank so much last night. I woke up hungover as fuck and just passed out on the bathroom floor LMFAO. anyways today was fine i got my nails done, i feel bad because I couldn't call twin but whatevaaaaa.

im just so tired of having to wait, i dont wanna have to wait but im too sad and lonely to leave. So i wait anyways. sigghhhh is it even abnormal to cry every night anymore. i think there was one night where I didnt but i was just kinda laying there rotting. tbh things will get better when im independent and on my own but fucking hell is it hard to just make my next 4 years easy. Its not like anybody wants to talk to me anyways, except for twin i mean id hope he does. wahtever im tired of waiting for this faggot to get off of the game ill just go to bed and then hes gonna be like wah wah wah wah wah wah im sorry wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. thinking about waking up annoys me so much becvause i have to deal with these people

these few days have been chaotic, police were called, dv allegations, legal actions, my mom running away, things from the past resurfacing. i'm scared as shit as much as i dont want to be im scared of my mom. Its annoying having to deal with this, seeing my dad cry infront of me, not having anybody to cry to. not much to write other than my life is shit

days been whatever tbh i woke up at 11, made banana bread, then called my friend for like 5 hours and 38 mins. schools starting soon and tbh i kinda want school bc i live off a schedule, but at the same time i dont wanna have to say 'just make it to friday" every single day. And tbh its not even make it till friday its make it till college bc on saturday i have no time to just relax then on sunday i have to catch up on school work and go to church where everybody just shit talks about how im not christian then shit on be about being rich. I dont get why they're so jealous of me like its not even like "oh haters will hate" these 45 year old women have been on my back for the past like 10 years, im 14. Like do you want me to pity you or something?? all they do is ask me "oh why dpo you do horse back riding.... thats a rich people sport! You guys are on vacation?? RICH!! You got a new phone becayse your old one litterally exploded????!!! RICH UGHH!! And its not even like im bragging about anytnhing. I dont even talk to them and they complain about me being rich, also my family BUYS them things. We're being good towards you and this is how you act?? Hello?? whatever its not like its a big issue either. I've been so lethargic recently, Its hard to do anything anymore. I just wanna love somebody, okay dont hate me for this but I miss being manipulated and used. I feel like i have no purpose without somebody controlling me. I like feeling like i have to walk on eggshells, it's enternainting or like fuck idk stimulating for me to have to constiently be on my toes. I guess this is a result from me having to do that since i was young. Not until very recently was I able to not cry every night lmao. If you look at my old blogs all of my entries were about how i wanted to drink, cut myslef, or how distressed i was. And how much my ex boyfriend made me cry. Honestly it was really surprising how much he did, I think the longest i went without crying was like uhh 2 or 3 days. I was genuienly losing my mind. Im bad with cutting people off so I just stayed, and I know people will ask "oh just leave!! wtf??" its hard for me to do that, my parents were never around and the times they were they were either yelling at me, eachother, or just yelling. So for me to be able to experience a bit of sweet love is a big thing to me, It used to be so bad I would do anything to make my partners happy, in hope they would love me without hitting or yelling at me. I'm trying to work on myself though, its hard when its just yourself though/ I just wanna talk to somebody without people judging me, i just want somebody to understand me but I'm too complex and too annoying to understand without people giving up on me. Even my therapist said i was just being a brat. I'm not i just have alot of opinions. I'm really not worth it i guess, and ugh i dont wanna seem like im just crying for attention i really do feel like this. what am i even supposed to do anymore. Im fucking retarded and my parents think im useless. I need something or somebody to love to feel like im usefull, I need things to live for tbh.

siggh i have nothing 2 talk about, theres nothing much going on. arrgh i need a boyfriend, i need one so i can have stupid cute dates and i can love something, tbh ive been more passive lately. I really really realalllyy wanna get married and settle to the country side. but b4 that i wanna go raving. my liaf plan is that i have lots of fun in my 20s and by the time im like late 20s or early 30s i wanna have a kid. I wanna have my kid early bc i know how it is to have really old parents that dont do anything but work so i dont wanna have my kid me like that. i only want one, but ill have lots of pets so hopefully it wont get lonely (￣▽￣*)ゞ. but first i need a bf..,... badly..... AAAHHHHHHHHHH........or gf i dont care brrruhhhhhh pmo pmo... whatever ( ; ω ; ) if you're single...heh..hmu.. ( ´ ꒳ ` ) ♡. OHHH I JUST REMMEBER IM GOING SWIMMING ON SATURDAY!! am i gonna find the mason 67 huz??!!!

I came back from china, it was so cool!! I wanna go back soo bad.. I'll make entry on it later bc im lazy but i got a perm 2 day which was pretty fun. Took like ~4 hours? fuck it was so hot like my scalp was burning, genuienly felt like heaven when she rinsed my hair... still kinda hurts if i touch my scalp but its fine. Looks really good, now i dont gotta do a blow out every day!!!!! sigh i have honors testing in like 2 weeks i gotta lock in. bai///..

Tonight Im gonna fly away to china.. it's like uhh i think 20 hour flight or something whatever... I get motion sickness so I really hope that I dont throw up everywhere. I'm also hoping the food is good, because when Im nauseous I cant eat foods I dont like or I will throw up everywhere. Ive litterally done nothing today..lowkey im kinda hungry but anyways Im excited. I dont really wanna use wechat and idk how im gonna talk to my friends but whatever!!