How much longer
listeinging: radio head
Im trying really hard ti stay, im trying reaaallyy hard not to do anything. #breathingExercises, I have nobody rn. Everybody is asleep or doesn;t wannt to talk to me so I only have my website to distract me. My mom took my phone away si i cant even call the person i call when im stressed. God why am I so pathetic, I can;t even sleep without hearing their voice. Im so dependent on other people. I just realized,I'm not always this pessimestic, im pretty happy when I;m not alone. It's just when im left with myself I start acting like this. I quite like people's company but I guess im too odd for people to stay. Or maybe its normal to go weeks without contact. Id probably be happier if i wasnt listening to radio head but I really cant get my mood up. Sometimes i cant accept the fact that other people have lives too, and its really problematic but ai cant help it. I really really really hate being alone. I dont have any memory why but anytime im left alone I get super scared and anxious. I cant be alone or ill tweak.
Sigh, ive done it, Im so alone I have to talk to 988
its whatever
listening: sailor song
jhg theres not much to say, I'm tired ,, ha.... I jus really wanna get atleast 1 positive ntry in. or atleast not me bawling my eyes out. I realized, I dont have many people to talk to out of school. I don't really know how to interact with people I'm unfimiliar with... I've made a couple new friends lately, but its a bit awkward because I don't know how to interact with them// i think i'm pretty off putting so I don't blame them, Im just dreading the day i have to go to a new school for highschool. its fine though, fI'm kinda just lonely LMAO. I really need to get a grip.. maybe I'll do horseback riding more.
Anyways, enough about that. I'm kinda just tired of everything lately, I never study because i dont have the energy to. While typing this I just fucking remembered I dont have my homework done. okay I finnally finished that, idk what else to write.
fsiogjsfgs
playing/watching : fields of mistrua
I'm so tired. I really cant take this anymore i hate being ignored is it really that hard to remember that im there. ive been crying every single night for 4 days now, same reason same person. first you forget i want to play a game with you and then you just leave for what, 30 minuets? And maybe i am sensitive but im fine with that, are you? Cause it feels like everytime i forgive you, you do the same thing again. I do forgive easily but its starting to become hard to do that recently/ I love you so much but how do you forget that im there so easily. I hate being alone. It's getting really hard to cope with this. I need to cope harded but i dont think i can do that healthily. Whenever you say you love me, its becoming hard to believe you.
edit: HAH im on call and he really did forget that i wanted to play stardew!! Fuck my stupid baka life im jumping. im litterally so done with this shit.
fifty minuets
playing/watching ; nothing
did you forget about me. You left me for fifty minuets.
Tired
Playing/Watching : nothing
Im done. People always make me feel stupid and whatever and whenever i distgance myself because i dont wanna cry they finally start to care. I hate feelijng stupid kim not fuckijng stupid im not 8 you fucking dipshit. And i jsut distance myself because god forbid somebody doesn't trust you right agfter you fucking make them feel like a 9 year old again. The fuck??? I'm not gonna tell you why im so quiet after you make me feel retarded.
everybody hates me i hate thiseferyehfhd everybody thijnks ijm fucking stupid i ahtge this i hope i jsut die.
Oh well
Playing/Watching : nothing
Im so tired. Everything is warping together, life suucks. I litterally cannot enjoy anything anymore, im tired i really dont want to wake up. Theres not much to say really, this is NOT my year!!... I dont know why I can;t be capable of being joyus for one year. I just want to sleep. Maybe I will. Who even am i, sometimes I look in the mirror and i dont think thats me. I dont know, I dont feel real, nothing does. Im so disconnected. And why do people always think im angry. Im never fucking angry im just so sad. Im dissapointed, im never mad but im always crying. I hate this i hate living i hate being here.
edit: I HATE MEN SO MUCH I HATE MEN SO MUCH I HATE MEN SO MUCH nothing in life is worth living for anymkore ikm not worth livjng ikm gonna end my sujfvkjgn life i hate myself i hate eevryboufb and i hate everythijng . noboiduy fuckijng loves me nobodiu cares aboiut me i hate my life noithijng ever goes well for me what did i even deserv thuis. I really havent cried like this since i was 6, specifically when my dad chased me down :p; where even am i anhymro. im so liguhtheaded. Is anybody really ever sorry, everysingle time sokmebdiuy says sorry to me thye just do it again. Im tired. I don t want to be left alokne agaijn. Please.
you know when oure ijn the depths and you ned fuckujn g asmr COMFORT videos (not the weird ones, the ones by esc reality and asmr amy kay).
GahaAAAAAAAAAAa
Playing/watching : reverse 1999 / nothing atm
GAHH today was so baaad ive had a headache since 3rd period adn the nurse gave me ICE so i put ice on my head and got...cold. WHAT :SOB: anyways.... reverse 1999 is super fun except i lowkey don't understand it at all beacuse my brain is rotted by genshin 💔💔💔 yeah not much though.... oh yeab today i celebrated lunar new year.... excited!!! I ate lots of food and stuff... yeah... okajy bai,,
edit: today was so bad, i swear i jinx myself because i was like oh it wont get worse and it fucking did... im so tired. i really just give up i dont wanna wake up anymore. todau sucked i really hope this week gets better becuase im litterally going to fucking jump I have so much homework I feel like a idiot but i can't even get myself to do anything anymore. and then people make fun of me or take what i say as a joke. yeah i wish i could do that because i tkae everything so seriously. haha when the sun hits..i WILL be hanging myself. i just like lowkey out of no where started violently sobbign and like ran away. everything hurts/ i might just sleep. evertime i look at what i feel for january i think its so funny.. hopeful for 2025!!! and damn i get MAULED to death... really i cant do this anymore i just feel like im idk dying. I feel empty, antways time to cry harder
Dissapointed
Playing/watching : Papas freezeria / elara asmr
im so tired, being attached to people is so draining but i cant help myself, so im kinda just empty right now. I dont feel sad enough to drink or cut but im not happy enough to not think about it. ugh i want to throw upppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wahtver maybe ill cry hard enough and suck it up... and finish my ultrakill shrine
Bored but happy
Playing/watching : Ultrakill / House
First blog entry and there nothing much for me to say, I have state testing and i wont have homeowkr next week!! I'll half ass it and hope my teachers get fired bc they suck absolute ass.... hmm well theres nothign for me to really write. My outfit today is a liz lisa coat (i'll proviod images after), Axes femme top, scottish house skirt, tights, and some korean shoes. 
I couldn't find the image for scottish house bc its a brand only in taiwan. but its a navy blue skirt!!